Happy Heavenly Birthday Caleb

Happy Birthday Caleb 2015

11 years ago this very day I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. It was such a joyful day for Rob and I as we welcomed our first and only son to the world. Caleb Robert Whan made us a family for the first time and we couldn’t have been happier. I remember holding Caleb for the first time looking into his beautiful blue eyes and telling him how happy I was to be his mother. He brought such joy to us, his love, smiles, and laughter were a little glimpses of heaven on earth. It is crazy to even think that today we should be celebrating his 11th birthday. This is difficult to think about because my most vivid memory of my son was when he was only 4 years and 11 days old. IT’S tough to think about what he would look like today when a vision of his lifeless body is etched into your mind. His peaceful beautiful smile.

Please allow me to brag: Caleb’s love for Spider Man was so real he wanted to be just like his superhero. We could sit on the couch for hours watching Spider Man movies and shows and he would get his little characters out and re-enact the scenes. His favorite villain was the Green Goblin and he loved nothing more than to point his wrist at you (putting smoke in your face) saying ” you are getting sleeeeeppppyy”…. Or the scene where Spider Man is upside down and MJ folds his mask over to kiss him. Caleb would say “mommy kiss me…” with his mask half off. Man do I ever miss him.

Raw Emotion: I miss his smell which I no longer know. I miss his kisses which I can no longer feel. I miss his “yuv you” which I can no longer hear. And, most of all, I miss his smile which I can no longer see. Heartache is all I feel, memories is all I have. Pictures are my treasures. Our home movies are the only way I can hear him, and it all just hurts. I just want my little boy back. Call me selfish, Hell yeah I am, but if you were in my shoes you’d understand. I can’t feel him anymore; time took that away from me. It’s been 7 years since I felt him, I no longer remember what he felt like. His smell has gone, my memory has forgotten. I have this little piece of me missing. For 9 months I carried him, I felt every movement he made inside of me and now I have nothing but memories. The pain at times is unbearable it hurts so much that I quickly think of something else. I hate to share this but its awful that I can’t even think of my Caleb without pain in my heart. The pain never goes away it just ebbs and flows. I expect it to be the same 20 years from now.

To My SON: Caleb you are so loved and missed everyday, I try to see the signs you bring me. I really try to believe and have faith that you are in a better place. I hope one day we will be reunited as son and mother. Until than my sweet angel, have a very Happy Heavenly Birthday! Xoxoxo Mommy